This is it...

I let out a small listless breath, and then I made a resolve. This time I'm not going to back off nor turn back. It has to be done.

I finally did it, I blocked him and dropped him off my Facebook contacts. At the rate things were going, it's just deadlocked or degenerating into an uncontrollable mess. I popped into Friendster for some nostalgia visiting, and I saw the comments he left from back then...

And as opposed to today, in 2010...

One liners, serious/hostile and vague sentences. What has he turned into? I don't know this person anymore. There is a big fat world of difference between being ignorant, subtle or just being plain rude. From the looks of it, it seems he could fit all three categories. I think it's more than I can handle, I've seen your true colours.

It might be fear, unacceptability, the lack of empathy...but still, this isn't the way to do things.

Have a nice life, because right now, you have already been ejected out of mine. (RIP 2006-2010)

Implosion

The human mind is strong, it's intelligence is seemingly endless, yet unlike the human heart, emotions may supply a morale boost or implode itself. The more I think I can handle, the truth is I can't. Every time I try to put one step forward, reality pushes me back two spaces, killing every single strand of hope and effort that was painstakingly put into it.

I'm really tried of G, yet stubbornly, my heart refuses to back off just like that. I am being hurt, but it seems...I am unsatisfied. I tie myself down with unnecessary burden, it's too much to bear. A direct confrontation was also fruitless, generating the same response from G. Whatever G's true intentions began with, it seems obvious where it's tilting to. There seem to be subtle hints, but I still refuse to convince myself so. Does it have to come to a day where the friendship becomes strained to the point of no return?

I have no answer, and no courage to attest to that.

And trouble brews at the office, sleep offers the body rest but it could also be generating another mental stress. The odds don't bode well for me. I got roughly another 7 months or so to go, but my situation doesn't allow me to drag on that long. There has to be an immediate solution, I'm left with zero choices. I could select a suicidal path, but it doesn't help.

A clone of me would help out as a listening ear, I want someone to listen to me seriously and earnestly. I can't take it anymore, I could just drop off everything and run away.

Jerk

I could have elaborately done it like this...



...but I wouldn't want to stoop to his level. People can be such jerks.

Changed

Change in life is inevitable, wholesome good changes are always welcomed, but what if it was for a 360 degree turn that becomes unrecognizable? I am concerned about a friend, whose phase of his life and mentality has changed all the way, although this is through my point of view, in which any case may be attributed to something I had told him some months back.

I thought we had talked it out amicably but today when I was browsing through Facebook, I clicked his profile through linking and realized his wall and comments were sealed and missing. It was definitely a case of restriction as confirmed by him. As usual, replies (ever since then) were short and crisp and he went 'afk'. Further probing only led him to log out of MSN.

I am very insecure and frightened whenever this kind of things happen, for little or no reason at all, we can lose our friends. The big question - "Why?" lingers eternally through the mind but constantly being denied an answer. Right now, I'm trying to ask another mutual friend if they're facing the same problem too.

If yes, I really hope whatever he's going through - all the best in recovery, both physical and mental.

If no, well, if possible not no. I really don't know what to do, looking back, before that series of truth, lots of lasting memories were forged but they could all crumble to dust and be blown away in the wind. And like a storm, it comes and goes, with no meaning, reason nor purpose.

I hope not.

Sundays

There's just an imprint that leaves you to distinguish certain days. Even if you aren't exactly keep track, the feeling retained allows you to feel the day. Sundays, glorious Sundays, there's just an air of carefree bliss to it. Especially Sunday afternoons, the perfect Sunday would be just lying around with some ballads, smooth music on.

I can't think of any other way than to enjoy life than to enjoy it on a Sunday, with no worries at all. At least that's how the world should learn to be.

In The End

It's not like I didn't expect it, but it was just a door stopper. In the end, the revelation came.

It just wasn't me, I felt a strange rush of sadness and yet happiness, for the both of us. There was no green-eyed monster because after all, I did him wrong in the first place, there's nothing much I could, or should say.

Maybe it was just a silly crush, there's a reason why they're called crushes. We weren't entirely sure of ourselves, but at least, we went for it and tried it out. But the thing is still I was unfaithful and totally killed his love.

Now moving on...heh, I wish him all the best with his next guy, he deserves better.

Falling Hope

Hope is a form of pacifier, and yet also a reality check for most of us. We wish it isn't so, but the outcome may go against what we hoped very hard for.

I sternly regretted my actions, but yet I have no idea right now where does those feelings of his stand on. Hate? Love? Neutrality? I don't understand, I'm too afraid to ask and I just don't want to keep waiting. His schedule is packed for the whole month, meeting up just isn't possible yet. As advanced as technology goes, you can never package sincerity and stream them in one piece to the other party on the other side of the screen.

Technology however, is useful for keeping tabs. His facebook/twitter/msn have both implanted messages of falling in love, but on who this message is directed at, I have no idea. Which brings us back to the starting point of hoping.

I never asked for much in this life because I'm kinda content and comfortable with my life. But I hope he chose who I think he did. And I will affirm with myself never to commit the same mistake twice, ever.

Oh Shit

I just stood someone up by accident, I feel like an utter fool.

Returns

I haven't slept a wink last night, god help me tide over today without getting my sorry self in trouble with my superiors. My continuous state of random sleeping is almost notorious but this is probably an all new high record.
Sleep starved for a whole night on a working day, that's intended suicide.
I watched Grown Ups with friends the night before, it's been a while since I saw a light hearted comedy buddy themed movie. All along it has been blood lust, mad cap action thrillers and horrors. I can't imagine why, but at least this movie brought about the simplicity of everlasting childhood reminders, anecdotes of life and just an overdose of unforeseen laughter; something I currently lack heavily in my life so far.

I did a Dark Poeta instance in Aion when I got home, I was super shagged but somehow I was raring to go. Instincts proved right for once as by the end of the run I got rewarded with...


I was dazed, and probably crapping in my pants when I saw the drop. Being the only Sorcerer in the group, I got it naturally without a struggle over rolling dices. It was a great last night, but today is probably going to seek returns for yesterday's fun harvest.

Life works in dues and debts if you ask me.

Hatred

To learn to love, you must first learn to hate. Or is it the other way around? But why would people want to learn to hate anyway? For some, people hate because of the irreparable damage that has been brought towards them by others, and yet for some - I don't know, probably a cowardly attempt to use, whine and ditch. Have you been hated by others? And what's worst is that they don't reveal the reason for it, and this horrible chain of hatred just continues.

Sure, 6 billion people in the world, it's just one more. But it's only worst that if this one influences the rest to join the hate fest which jeopardizes your chances of a decent first impression. It laments that it has enemies as much as many friends - but why? Something wrong with you? You have to hate anything that doesn't work out? If your friendship can degrade, instead of holding on hope to it you simply toss it all away because it's troublesome. I find this kind of mentality sub-par and annoying, clashes and conflict are bound to happen at some point in your life, are friends your toys? So you get bored, use them (if they provided any use to your advantage) and once it gets sticky, you move on?

Bullshit.

I can't stand it even more that these people act like god damn angelic hypocrites and advocate against the same kind of behaviour they really act like. And sadly, their friends who have yet to fall into such a despicable trap take to their side without another second's thought.

Hatred is a powerful emotion, either you control it or it controls you. I have been brought to it's command ever since it happened, I try to move on but great dissatisfaction remains. There is to a point, an even darker sense of reality collapses, which is evolving into murder intentions. I don't want to go there, but as long it remains alive each day and blissfully enjoying undeserving happiness, I still bear a great grudge against it.

I hate this person, but why? This person hates me too, and why? Going back straight to the source, nothingness swells around me, the only things that can probably calm my mind is to forgive, or make sure it's dead.

People exists to kill others only because of a reason, hatred, grudges, envy, jealousy, vengeance. The list is exhaustive - I only know right now, I have to make a choice.

Angst

Getting consumed by hate is a very scary experience, eventually you just lost yourself forever - in fact I doubt you'll even recognized yourself in that agonized state. I have been perpetually stuck in a hate fest for a certain someone since June and the hate didn't blossomed just overnight. Somehow, immense dissatisfaction was planted as a seed and fuelled by intense dark thoughts, it now is maturing as a hate flora.

I was told to let it go, to forget. Easy on paper, hard on feelings at the point of the time. It has been roughly two months yet I still haven't let it go. Everyday I cursed and lament on miseries and bad luck befalling on that person. Karma will get me hard, but somehow I just felt I didn't care. There's a price to pay for everything, I clearly understood that.

But I'm also tired, I've been trying to suppress this vulgar emotion, forgiveness and letting go doesn't seem to be the way out. I have to resolve and clear this barrier, a mutual friend acts as a temporary salvation but my suggested solution probably wouldn't work out. It plans to talk it out with the offender to sort and clear up things properly once and for all, I'm a weird person but I needed loose ends to be tied up before I can move on.

Hence I really hate people who ditch you without giving a valid and logical reason, I felt used. I want to trash things out prim and proper, I know it's going to haunt me for the rest of my life if left unchecked. Worst still, this emotion might be unknowingly nurtured into the extreme ending scenario - the thought to kill.

Human beings are odd creatures as we are clearly shaped and defined by knowing to love.

And to hate.

I wish I knew what to do.

The Long Road

Lyrics in a song capture the intense feelings and thoughts of the lyricist and transforms them into a message in the form of music to let the world listen and understand. Such is that of the NDP theme songs that has since birthed from 1998 onwards. It has ever since, become a tradition that every year's celebration must come with a theme song that focuses and captures accordingly to the theme for the parade that year, alongside a subtle message for everyone to ponder over.

1) 1998 - Home

"Establishing and never forgetting your roots..."

2) 1999 - Together

"Because unity is one."

3) 2000 - Shine on me

"Always shining no matter where."

4) 2001 - Where I belong

"I know and I remember."

5) 2002 - We will get there

"It's a long way, but we will..."

6) 2003 - One united people/ A place in my heart

"Steady and stabilized."

7) 2004 - Home (remake)

8) 2005 - Reach out for the skies

"Catch your dreams and follow it..."

9) 2006 - My Island Home

"Glorify."

10) 2007 - There's no place I'd rather be/ Will you?

"There's no other you."

11) 2008 - Shine for Singapore

"I know and I remember."

12) 2009 - What do you see?

"We question the future, which needs to be secured by the present."

13) 2010 - Song for Singapore

"Be thankful."

Corrine May did a fantastic job with introducing sentimentality and remembrance for this year's theme song. It definitely matches the theme for this year.

Tease

The people at my office are a fun bunch, I just wish though; that they stop messing around with me ugh.

Free Trip

I'm going on another guilt trip again, I take too many of these trips more than I ever need.

Over

She has made her final stand, albeit through her representative. I can give up now, though sadly, bit by bit, hatred has seeped in, oozing all over the image I once held over her. My friend, the one I knew from back then, is dead and never coming back. The current her I do not recognize, as she does of me too.

I have to accept this irreplaceable truth and bear it in mind. He called again and I wasn't expecting it, everytime I hear him ramble; I lose it. I only forced myself to hear some vague parts like leaving his beloved friends alone, and other stuff not worth mentioning. Basically for the rest of the one sided conversation, the phone was at an arm's length away from my ear.

Once again, I got shot into the heart, deep and head on. It's definitely over, there were other friendly warnings but I didn't want to listen further as I had no interest in any of them. I don't understand what went wrong, bad luck? Misunderstanding?

I probably could never have any answer, just like how we have no answer why there's life and death. It just continues it's cycle, slowly, surely and never ending.

Resolute

Everytime I try to back away, somehow something within stirs me and I end up crawling back to it again. Lack of self discipline and awareness, truly pathetic but I just got a soft spot - for hurting myself. I sought the advice of many and from the results, I am really in denial and a stubborn old goat. I just don't want it to end, I never felt so hurt and dissatisfied my whole life, maybe this how people contemplating suicide felt moments before they went for it.

But I don't want to be like them, I'm still holding on. It's not worth in the end to give up everything for something so far away on the moon, and probably never coming back. The saying could never be more apt:

"In prosperity, our friends know us. In adversity, we know our friends."

I was really touched and amazed by the fact, I could really see the truth out of my 183 friends on facebook. I wasn't expecting much replies nor attention, I couldn't say I felt worse, but i definitely got spurred up a bit more.

My friend's getting hitched tomorrow, but at the same time, my source of agony stems from questioning out friendship. As a mutual friend speaks, if it's truly over, let it be. I can't gratify myself any further with delusions or false hopes, I can only wait or possibly move on. I already lost one in a moment of folly, now I lost another in carelessness.

I need to be strong, the sky cries with me tonight.

FF XVI

Talking about the online games market, frankly, it's been a while since we saw a good one. The better ones are still slated for release while the best ones are still in hatching process. Luckily, another game that I have been eyeing a while is definitely guaranteed not to disappoint is on the verge of hatching. Square Enix is on the move to launch Final Fantasy XIV this fall (Septemeber) 2010.


It's a step up from it's counterpart XI, and the graphics are stellar and reminiscence of it's previous predecessors. In fact, it suddenly makes Aion look less than impressive, brutally kicking it aside to the curb. The preview soundtracks of the in-game music is faithfully blended towards the typical Final Fantasy style, any game that maxes out it's graphical and musical attraction is definitely a priority on my list.
Possibly the only other unreleased title that could be on par with FFXIV at the moment would be Blade & Soul. But otherwise, both are long awaited titles with the excellent previews and sneak peek, it makes NCsoft and Blizzard become half-ass worry warts.


The game also centrals around some races, apparently with the most human looking of races, the Hyur as their poster boy. Interestingly, he's also what you would see on the standard edition of the CD set. The other races are very fantasy themed, revolving around demon hybrids, midget elves, bipedal animal hybrids and giants for inspiration. Those who have played Asmodians in Aion would find the Elezen strangely familiar; without the red glowing eyes and furbacks.

Subscription fees wise, it seems there's talk they maybe reusing the same rates as they did for Final Fantasy XI. Doing some math, it's definitely cheaper than what I have been paying NCsoft for my Aion subscription. Looks like it's time to jump ship, and my friend's already miles ahead by pre-ordering the Collector's Edition, which has some juicy bonuses the Standard Edition will be missing out. One of which would be starting the game 8 days earlier than the rest.

I'm already wet with anticipation just thinking about the game. Square Enix never disappoints!

Torment

I really have to take a break soon, I can't stay pent up with all this nuclear stress in me. In fact it's been ages since I took a decent leave, and today, I just broke the record among the guys for knocking off work the latest - the record, 11.40pm.

Absolutely shitty. Needless to say, I had to do duty since I was the only NSF left.

Physical stress aside, I'm also dealing with mental stress. It's not enough to warrant a suicide, but I just really want to blow it all away and move on. Unfortunately it's hard, it's true, we only come to self-realization of our actions after the storm blows over; but the losses are immense.

An ex-friend's friend died on Monday, cause of death - suicide. He didn't know, he didn't know me anymore. In retrospect, I could just forget about it and let him discover it on his own. Deep down, something "bit" me, I couldn't stand it. In the end, I told a mutual friend to relay the news of death, right thing to do? I don't know, I probably saw it as a proper favour for one last time since I was brushed away abruptly from his life. And I was debating with this mutual friend about moving on, but in the end; it's not easy and you can't talk unless you have personally been through an experience.

As everything else goes, it seems I haven't moved on. I may be still alive, but the direction my heart is dragging me, I may be as good as dead.

I Found You

I don't have the "settle for second best" mentality but while I'm usually searching for the desired "item", I somehow am led to something of a comparable status as well.

While searching for Yellow, I found Drop instead also composed by kz (livetunes). I'm so going to Japan today.

Vision

I am totally suckered in, I must have this song! It was totally love at first sight, I grow insane without finding the lyrics or the song itself online.


I have enlisted the help of a Miku fan to help me scour the Internet for it, but if even he cannot find it, I'm pretty sure it's probably left to be elusive forever. Oh well, you can't always have everything you want.

*Though there is the option of buying* /wrist