It's too distressing to be passed on around in a chain of distrust and stigma. I may have been reading things too much but sometimes I feel, he has already distanced himself away. I should never have told him, my trust was blindly displaced.
Then again, I always had bad instincts. I could never depend on them to save my life. But otherwise it was depressing, I've always been a close-in, this guy managed to made me re-think my decision otherwise. Ironically, the friendship blossomed from his first step, I was added to his messenger one fine day. He asked me to guess who he was, and I thought it was just another typical messenger based prankster who wanted to feed his boredom. Then after some bout between the comedy and gravity of things, his identity was then revealed. And the rest was history.
And it was probably stayed history forever the day I revealed something to myself about me. I thought I could trust him, he was the first person I told to among anybody. To me it was a privilege, to him apparently, it changed his world and became a burden. It's amazing how the binds of friendship can be almost instantaneously decimated into nothingness when people have a difference in ideals and background. 7 years of friendship, all for naught - he hasn't said it yet, but I can sense his unwillingness to talk to me day by day. He has to live by his principles and ideals taught to him by his forthright parents, I don't blame him for knowing those - I just blame him for applying to them in every real situation.
It's very heart wrenching, but I don't think I could ever talk to him again. He now remains only as a friend in name, but deeper beneath that surface; we don't know one another anymore.
20 June 2010
24 March 2010
Gradually
Life in my unit has it's perks and it's dooms. We'll get to all of that someday, but something I noticed in myself is the change of learning to be shameless. We all can't eat humble pie in life, be the quiet obedient wallflower, it doesn't change the fact that you'll probably end up nowhere.
Reminiscing the past when I was nine, I was rebellious, I did whatever I felt like. It sends me chills if I met age nine as age twenty; I'll probably learn more from him than he would from me. Where did "I" disappear to as I grew up.
I feel like a wuss growing up, always choosing the path of least resistance, it unsettled me greatly whenever I have to make choices, I became indecisive. I let myself pushed over, being the 'noble' one to suffer in silence when secretly, I wished that someone would take a good look at me. Sometimes it would work, sometimes it didn't. Even I couldn't wager a proper guess to what I may be thinking sometimes.
To be unafraid of this wild and foreign world, one has to be bold, be shameless, grab the opportunity - if you have it, flaunt it. But still, that little voice in me constantly reminds me to be righteous in whatever you do to attain any goals, be considerate. You would still want to keep your friends, stand by with those principles and morals that one has been instilled since birth.
I ask myself a lot of questions, I hope I can find those answers gradually.
Reminiscing the past when I was nine, I was rebellious, I did whatever I felt like. It sends me chills if I met age nine as age twenty; I'll probably learn more from him than he would from me. Where did "I" disappear to as I grew up.
I feel like a wuss growing up, always choosing the path of least resistance, it unsettled me greatly whenever I have to make choices, I became indecisive. I let myself pushed over, being the 'noble' one to suffer in silence when secretly, I wished that someone would take a good look at me. Sometimes it would work, sometimes it didn't. Even I couldn't wager a proper guess to what I may be thinking sometimes.
To be unafraid of this wild and foreign world, one has to be bold, be shameless, grab the opportunity - if you have it, flaunt it. But still, that little voice in me constantly reminds me to be righteous in whatever you do to attain any goals, be considerate. You would still want to keep your friends, stand by with those principles and morals that one has been instilled since birth.
I ask myself a lot of questions, I hope I can find those answers gradually.
21 March 2010
Death
The family hamster, Hammy passed away in it's sleep apparently. Someone discovered the lifeless, limp and cold body in foetal position at the corner of the cage. In my family, we hardly ever had an experience of a pet dying on us. It was almost hard to relate totally to it, life and death of a human family member was agonizing, but little did we expect to bite the bullet upon an animal's death.
It only goes to show how attached we are to it when it was still alive.
Still, I'd say that the biggest impact Hammy gave was to my mom. My mom always had an abnormal fear of animals, even fishes (but strangely not afraid when they're on her chopping board). As a result, she never reared a pet all her life, and not surprisingly, forbade any of me or my siblings to own one. Hammy was an exception, she was sent away to live with my sister's cousin and friend, respectively, for some reason, none of it worked out well. And by the time it moved to her friend's house, she was actually going through depression and refused to eat. Worried, her friend decided to ask my sister to take it back before Hammy dies of obvious causes.
When we did finally fetch her back, you can tell she was totally elated. Practically did backflips and started eating it's way to good health soon after. The good days then went by, with all of us basically involved in different ways of her antics and cute-ness. We were warned however, consistently, by my sister that Hammy is considered an old hamster for her age, and probably wouldn't live past next year.
And boy was she ever correct.
On the day of itself, while I was turning, I accidentally hit my laptop table leg, and the laptop collapsed off it. Call me superstitious, but that felt like a sign to me considering I have never dropped my laptop on the floor before. Afternoon, my family returned, someone announced the dreaded words - "Hammy's dead".
If anything, a lot of us learned from the experience death that left a stale aftertaste in the mouth. My mom mentioned we are not to rear pets again, but not for the reason of her fear - but rather, the fear of losing it to the death god eventually.
It only goes to show how attached we are to it when it was still alive.
Still, I'd say that the biggest impact Hammy gave was to my mom. My mom always had an abnormal fear of animals, even fishes (but strangely not afraid when they're on her chopping board). As a result, she never reared a pet all her life, and not surprisingly, forbade any of me or my siblings to own one. Hammy was an exception, she was sent away to live with my sister's cousin and friend, respectively, for some reason, none of it worked out well. And by the time it moved to her friend's house, she was actually going through depression and refused to eat. Worried, her friend decided to ask my sister to take it back before Hammy dies of obvious causes.
When we did finally fetch her back, you can tell she was totally elated. Practically did backflips and started eating it's way to good health soon after. The good days then went by, with all of us basically involved in different ways of her antics and cute-ness. We were warned however, consistently, by my sister that Hammy is considered an old hamster for her age, and probably wouldn't live past next year.
And boy was she ever correct.
On the day of itself, while I was turning, I accidentally hit my laptop table leg, and the laptop collapsed off it. Call me superstitious, but that felt like a sign to me considering I have never dropped my laptop on the floor before. Afternoon, my family returned, someone announced the dreaded words - "Hammy's dead".
If anything, a lot of us learned from the experience death that left a stale aftertaste in the mouth. My mom mentioned we are not to rear pets again, but not for the reason of her fear - but rather, the fear of losing it to the death god eventually.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)