Gradually

Life in my unit has it's perks and it's dooms. We'll get to all of that someday, but something I noticed in myself is the change of learning to be shameless. We all can't eat humble pie in life, be the quiet obedient wallflower, it doesn't change the fact that you'll probably end up nowhere.

Reminiscing the past when I was nine, I was rebellious, I did whatever I felt like. It sends me chills if I met age nine as age twenty; I'll probably learn more from him than he would from me. Where did "I" disappear to as I grew up.

I feel like a wuss growing up, always choosing the path of least resistance, it unsettled me greatly whenever I have to make choices, I became indecisive. I let myself pushed over, being the 'noble' one to suffer in silence when secretly, I wished that someone would take a good look at me. Sometimes it would work, sometimes it didn't. Even I couldn't wager a proper guess to what I may be thinking sometimes.

To be unafraid of this wild and foreign world, one has to be bold, be shameless, grab the opportunity - if you have it, flaunt it. But still, that little voice in me constantly reminds me to be righteous in whatever you do to attain any goals, be considerate. You would still want to keep your friends, stand by with those principles and morals that one has been instilled since birth.

I ask myself a lot of questions, I hope I can find those answers gradually.

Death

The family hamster, Hammy passed away in it's sleep apparently. Someone discovered the lifeless, limp and cold body in foetal position at the corner of the cage. In my family, we hardly ever had an experience of a pet dying on us. It was almost hard to relate totally to it, life and death of a human family member was agonizing, but little did we expect to bite the bullet upon an animal's death.

It only goes to show how attached we are to it when it was still alive.

Still, I'd say that the biggest impact Hammy gave was to my mom. My mom always had an abnormal fear of animals, even fishes (but strangely not afraid when they're on her chopping board). As a result, she never reared a pet all her life, and not surprisingly, forbade any of me or my siblings to own one. Hammy was an exception, she was sent away to live with my sister's cousin and friend, respectively, for some reason, none of it worked out well. And by the time it moved to her friend's house, she was actually going through depression and refused to eat. Worried, her friend decided to ask my sister to take it back before Hammy dies of obvious causes.

When we did finally fetch her back, you can tell she was totally elated. Practically did backflips and started eating it's way to good health soon after. The good days then went by, with all of us basically involved in different ways of her antics and cute-ness. We were warned however, consistently, by my sister that Hammy is considered an old hamster for her age, and probably wouldn't live past next year.

And boy was she ever correct.

On the day of itself, while I was turning, I accidentally hit my laptop table leg, and the laptop collapsed off it. Call me superstitious, but that felt like a sign to me considering I have never dropped my laptop on the floor before. Afternoon, my family returned, someone announced the dreaded words - "Hammy's dead".

If anything, a lot of us learned from the experience death that left a stale aftertaste in the mouth. My mom mentioned we are not to rear pets again, but not for the reason of her fear - but rather, the fear of losing it to the death god eventually.

My Path

I actually have something roughly planned out for my life, to travel to Japan and study there. Unfortunately there is the issue of funds, learning the language and what am I bent on studying there. Regardless, I have never been that proud of myself as far as I have remembered other than clearing 'wastelands' at my house, particularly my room.

I have a goal, a resolve, something to actually look forward to whilst I cross the hurdle of NS. :)

I want to be unique, discover myself and craft my own journey. I'm tired of always being downtrodden when I obsessively compare myself to other people's life. I am me, just who I want to be or should be. Let me make my own forge, and surprise people in a 360 degrees.

I can't wait to get there soon!