Spiralling Down

The title has never been more apt for today's entry. Indeed, my friendship, decisions and attitude is spiralling a relationship out of control to no return, in a bad way. I'll just name him 'B' and another friend of ours involved, 'A'.

B has been a close friend since a few years ago, so by know I already knew how his temperament is like already though I have no idea he knows about mine. Basically, he can be a good friend but at the same time, a nasty enemy too though if you don't bug him he won't bug you. That aside, he's a fun person to hang along, a very emotional and melodramatic person - to the point anger and depression can really wrack his nerves. Pretty much, it also means he's quick to anger/sadden though he doesn't hold grudges for long. He really brings sensitivity to the next level, very straightforward, so it's obvious that whatever you think and do, make sure one thinks it through yes?

A is a friend both of us knew, though he knew B first and they're literally close as brothers. Being older, naturally B really cares a lot about A. It's only recently that I got to knew A through B as well, but our friendship is no way comparable to the level of A and B itself. He's a very fun person to hang about, everything he does he really wants to make everyone happy. Though sometimes his incessant jokes might generally make people laugh or annoy a little. And whenever he gets hooked to a new pet phrase, he usually keeps speaking about it non-stop, like his current pet phrase - "Pork".

Well here goes the story...

Through the recent outing, I learned that A doesn't understand or speak Chinese or any dialects despite being a chinese and living in Singapore. I decided to teach him a bit of Hokkien out of interest for fun, and part of it allowing him to understand if he's being insulted or not - so hence, we begun with Hokkien vulgarities. Not surprisingly, he beguns to use a couple of them incessantly. And this soon travelled to B's ears so B rang me up about this issue. Apparently, I have no idea that A is also under B's responsibility, so if A's mother realized he has picked up something unhealthy and bad just by hanging out with B, B would be in for hell and who knows what kind of predicament. Not taking it seriously, I countered with some insensitive and irresponsible remarks that I have soon forgotten about, and I don't wish to remember either.

That was a really bad move.

I apologized in exasperation and after that we cut contact for a while. And after a day or two after the incident, I was in MSN video call with A. We're just talking about random topics and particularly discussing why there was a need for using a video call over a conversation that was easily accomplishable over MSN itself. My webcam/microphone on my laptop wasn't working anyway so it was one sided meaning I could see and hear A but he could not do otherwise. Out of the blue, his phone rang and it turned out to be B. I didn't mean to eavesdrop but then his microphone was still turned on and I was still faced with A talking to B in front of me. And it wasn't long before I realized where the conversation between A and B was going to - me.

Feeling a bit upset, disturbed, confused and refusing to hear further, I aplogized hastily for eavesdropping and disconnected the video call. A also realized this and had tried to go somewhere else to talk before I disconnected. After a while, A apologized to me that I had to hear that, I tried to ignore the conversation and assured I was fine. And all the while, B has no idea that his phone call had occurred in between our video call, and I wished things stayed that way. But trouble was far from over...

Today, after I came home from dinner, my sister passed me back my handphone stating about a serious SMS and phone call I had received earlier. She had brought out my phone for an occasion so I was unable to access my handphone for a few hours. I had a sick gut feeling about the message and guessed it was from B.

It was indeed.

Fear and tension wrapped all over me as I read it, in fact it sounded more like an ultimatum than just a message of explanation. Being the straightforward person he is, he had no problem conveying whatever he wished to speak of. Not surprisingly, my remarks from back then still irked him to the core, and it was so bad to the point - whenever A mentioned me in front of B, he can't help but be pissed off. It's implied he's also a bit jealous of me, I have no wish or whatsoever of replacing B's place in A's life and I certainly know A knew that B is irreplaceable as well. As of now - this is what I saw from the ultimatum...

"He can choose his friends and if feels u are way better, I will let him go."

I never had a spine chill for a while, and just reading this line sends horror all over me. I knew he was sensitive and I was rude and in the wrong for capitalizing on his responsibility but I was shocked at this. It's almost I'm forced to come to a simple decision:

That is to stop being friends with A.

I value both our friendships, both A and B and I definitely didn't want anything to go awry between A and B because of me. I'm extremely torn and confused between the two, what seemed just a sentence had a tremendous impact over me, exaggerating it might sound but this is truly how I felt. I have no one else to turn to, save for another friend who I wanted to be a listener and possibly give me some sound advice. And if I shared this with A or another friend we both knew, it seems like I'm to the verge of being pathetic to seek sympathy votes to change his mind. I really have no evil intentions here, but simply just for things to return to normal, but given the state of current affairs, it seems like it's extremely difficult to.

In a small way I'm glad my sister brought out by handphone so I didn't have access to his phone call because I would be frightenned at what he's going to voice out, or what I'm expected to respond. At this juncture, I have refrained from contact with him...I'm scared to, I don't want to face the conclusion.

What am I supposed to do?