Angst

Getting consumed by hate is a very scary experience, eventually you just lost yourself forever - in fact I doubt you'll even recognized yourself in that agonized state. I have been perpetually stuck in a hate fest for a certain someone since June and the hate didn't blossomed just overnight. Somehow, immense dissatisfaction was planted as a seed and fuelled by intense dark thoughts, it now is maturing as a hate flora.

I was told to let it go, to forget. Easy on paper, hard on feelings at the point of the time. It has been roughly two months yet I still haven't let it go. Everyday I cursed and lament on miseries and bad luck befalling on that person. Karma will get me hard, but somehow I just felt I didn't care. There's a price to pay for everything, I clearly understood that.

But I'm also tired, I've been trying to suppress this vulgar emotion, forgiveness and letting go doesn't seem to be the way out. I have to resolve and clear this barrier, a mutual friend acts as a temporary salvation but my suggested solution probably wouldn't work out. It plans to talk it out with the offender to sort and clear up things properly once and for all, I'm a weird person but I needed loose ends to be tied up before I can move on.

Hence I really hate people who ditch you without giving a valid and logical reason, I felt used. I want to trash things out prim and proper, I know it's going to haunt me for the rest of my life if left unchecked. Worst still, this emotion might be unknowingly nurtured into the extreme ending scenario - the thought to kill.

Human beings are odd creatures as we are clearly shaped and defined by knowing to love.

And to hate.

I wish I knew what to do.