Torment

I really have to take a break soon, I can't stay pent up with all this nuclear stress in me. In fact it's been ages since I took a decent leave, and today, I just broke the record among the guys for knocking off work the latest - the record, 11.40pm.

Absolutely shitty. Needless to say, I had to do duty since I was the only NSF left.

Physical stress aside, I'm also dealing with mental stress. It's not enough to warrant a suicide, but I just really want to blow it all away and move on. Unfortunately it's hard, it's true, we only come to self-realization of our actions after the storm blows over; but the losses are immense.

An ex-friend's friend died on Monday, cause of death - suicide. He didn't know, he didn't know me anymore. In retrospect, I could just forget about it and let him discover it on his own. Deep down, something "bit" me, I couldn't stand it. In the end, I told a mutual friend to relay the news of death, right thing to do? I don't know, I probably saw it as a proper favour for one last time since I was brushed away abruptly from his life. And I was debating with this mutual friend about moving on, but in the end; it's not easy and you can't talk unless you have personally been through an experience.

As everything else goes, it seems I haven't moved on. I may be still alive, but the direction my heart is dragging me, I may be as good as dead.