The Fear

Unable to set aside my inhibitions, I went in straight for the kil..er confrontation. I had to strategize my move with psychology. That way, I'll be careful not to lead this whole play into the worst ending possible. After making the check mate, I just went into the sharing of views; it was like expected.

I really understood his fears but I assured him there was totally nothing to be frightened of as essentially before or after, I'm still the same person with an element that's slightly different. It was awkward but I'm glad it went well in the end. I'm surprised at his concern as a friend even after all that, guess I was really over-reacting.

Like I said, I can never trust these damn instincts of mine. Now to deal with the second fear on another issue.

Sunny Fear

The sky was so serene and the weather was awesome today, damn, it just means the rest of my day is just going to go downhill. Not even an hour's worth of the day, and I'm being threatened for impending doom already.

I get vivid nightmares that relate to my present reality every now and then, and frankly, I'm not sure which one's scarier.

Man Down

It's too distressing to be passed on around in a chain of distrust and stigma. I may have been reading things too much but sometimes I feel, he has already distanced himself away. I should never have told him, my trust was blindly displaced.

Then again, I always had bad instincts. I could never depend on them to save my life. But otherwise it was depressing, I've always been a close-in, this guy managed to made me re-think my decision otherwise. Ironically, the friendship blossomed from his first step, I was added to his messenger one fine day. He asked me to guess who he was, and I thought it was just another typical messenger based prankster who wanted to feed his boredom. Then after some bout between the comedy and gravity of things, his identity was then revealed. And the rest was history.

And it was probably stayed history forever the day I revealed something to myself about me. I thought I could trust him, he was the first person I told to among anybody. To me it was a privilege, to him apparently, it changed his world and became a burden. It's amazing how the binds of friendship can be almost instantaneously decimated into nothingness when people have a difference in ideals and background. 7 years of friendship, all for naught - he hasn't said it yet, but I can sense his unwillingness to talk to me day by day. He has to live by his principles and ideals taught to him by his forthright parents, I don't blame him for knowing those - I just blame him for applying to them in every real situation.

It's very heart wrenching, but I don't think I could ever talk to him again. He now remains only as a friend in name, but deeper beneath that surface; we don't know one another anymore.