Free Trip

I'm going on another guilt trip again, I take too many of these trips more than I ever need.

Over

She has made her final stand, albeit through her representative. I can give up now, though sadly, bit by bit, hatred has seeped in, oozing all over the image I once held over her. My friend, the one I knew from back then, is dead and never coming back. The current her I do not recognize, as she does of me too.

I have to accept this irreplaceable truth and bear it in mind. He called again and I wasn't expecting it, everytime I hear him ramble; I lose it. I only forced myself to hear some vague parts like leaving his beloved friends alone, and other stuff not worth mentioning. Basically for the rest of the one sided conversation, the phone was at an arm's length away from my ear.

Once again, I got shot into the heart, deep and head on. It's definitely over, there were other friendly warnings but I didn't want to listen further as I had no interest in any of them. I don't understand what went wrong, bad luck? Misunderstanding?

I probably could never have any answer, just like how we have no answer why there's life and death. It just continues it's cycle, slowly, surely and never ending.

Resolute

Everytime I try to back away, somehow something within stirs me and I end up crawling back to it again. Lack of self discipline and awareness, truly pathetic but I just got a soft spot - for hurting myself. I sought the advice of many and from the results, I am really in denial and a stubborn old goat. I just don't want it to end, I never felt so hurt and dissatisfied my whole life, maybe this how people contemplating suicide felt moments before they went for it.

But I don't want to be like them, I'm still holding on. It's not worth in the end to give up everything for something so far away on the moon, and probably never coming back. The saying could never be more apt:

"In prosperity, our friends know us. In adversity, we know our friends."

I was really touched and amazed by the fact, I could really see the truth out of my 183 friends on facebook. I wasn't expecting much replies nor attention, I couldn't say I felt worse, but i definitely got spurred up a bit more.

My friend's getting hitched tomorrow, but at the same time, my source of agony stems from questioning out friendship. As a mutual friend speaks, if it's truly over, let it be. I can't gratify myself any further with delusions or false hopes, I can only wait or possibly move on. I already lost one in a moment of folly, now I lost another in carelessness.

I need to be strong, the sky cries with me tonight.